A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your
ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as
he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land!
No questions asked or answers given!!
Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the
DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa
Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed
likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The
officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show
him your BADGE........ ! !"
Endangered
One
day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he
roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during
this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald
eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park
rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing
an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges against
him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died
from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing
statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something
before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on
it. What did it taste like?"The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a
cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"
IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are
from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were
taking place.
What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS:
He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why
did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is
Susan! ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS:
Gucci sweats and
Reeboks. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No , I just lie
there. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS:
Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You
forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot? ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY:
Voodoo? WITNESS: We do.. ATTORNEY: You
do? WITNESS: Yes ,
voodoo. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he
doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you
actually pass the bar
exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The
youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS:
He's 20 , much like your
IQ. ___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS:
Are you shitting
me? _________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So
the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS:
Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that
time? WITNESS: Getting
laid ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
She had three children , right? WITNESS:
Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY:
Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I
think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney? ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By
death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated? WITNESS: Take a
guess. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was
about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or
a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm
going with male. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress
when I go to
work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too
much of a
fight. _________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go
to? WITNESS:
Oral... _________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS:
The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And
Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was
by the time I
finished. ____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS:
Are you qualified to ask that
question? ______________________________________
And
last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did
you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY:
Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS:
No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS:
No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS:
No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY:
I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could
have been alive and practicing law.
A cat burglar had broken into an upstairs bedroom and was searching for valuables at 2:30 in the morning.
Suddenly a voice came out the darkness: "Jesus is watching you."
He scratched his head and said: "I must be hearing things."
A few minutes later, the same voice again: "Jesus is watching you."
He shone his flashlight upwards and saw a parrot.
"Was that you?" he asked.
"Yes"
"And what is your name?"
"Moses" said the parrot.
"What kind of dumb fools would call their parrot Moses?"
"The same kind of dumb fools that called their Rottweiler Jesus."
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an insomniac? - - Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
There was a cop whose job was to catch drunk drivers. One evening, he was waiting in the parking lot of a particularly rowdy bar, just before closing time. He saw a man come tumbling out of the bar, fall on his face, and stumble around to half a dozen cars, trying out his keys, until he found his own car. He fumbled with his keys for about 10 minutes before he started his engine. Meanwhile, everyone else had gone home. Finally, he drove out of the lot, on to the street. The cop pulled him over, read him his rights and gave him a breathalyzer test. His reading was 0.0 percent alcohol. The cop demanded to know how this could be. The man said: "Oh, I'm the designated decoy for the evening".
What's the difference between a doctor and God? - -
God doesn't think he's a doctor.
Job Market:
The difference between Heaven and Hell: In heaven, the police are British, the cooks are Italian, the
mechanics are German, the lovers are French, and everything is organized
by the Swiss.
In hell, the cooks are British, the mechanics are French, the
lovers are Swiss, the police are German, and everything is organized by the
Italians.
Real Polish Joke: Before the wall came down between the two Germany's, a Russian and an American soldier were guarding each side of the border, in a remote spot about 30 miles outside Berlin. The Russian spoke some English, and they had many friendly conversations. One day, the American said to the Russian: "I have a hot date tonight, can you watch my post for a couple of hours?" The Russian said: "No problem, just leave your gun and your helmet and go have a good time." When the American came back, his helmet was full of excrement, and the Russian was laughing. A few weeks later, the Russian nervously asked: "Can you watch my post for a few hours, my wife really needs me tonight?" "That's fine" said the American, "Go and take care of her". When the Russian returned, he found his helmet full of candies, cigarettes and chocolates. He said: "I am ashamed. After what I did to you, you do this for me?" "Don't worry" said the American, "We each give what we can afford".
Story about Ghandi: He used to walk barefoot a lot, and so developed some pretty impressive calluses on his feet. He didn't eat very much, so he was rather frail, and often you would not want to be downwind from his breath. So what did that make him? - - A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. (Say it quickly).
"Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "No Jimmy, that's stupid. Why would I do that?" "Please please grandpa, I just want to hear you make a sound like a frog." "No way! That's just silly." "Please grandpa, it's really important to me." "OK, Jimmy, why is it so important?" "Because mom said when you croak, she'll buy a big screen TV."
Van Der Merwe is the subject of many jokes in South Africa. Van Der Merwe told a friend that he was planning a holiday in Europe. "You know that they drive on the right in Europe?" "Uh oh!" (In South Africa they drive on the left). A few weeks later, his friend asks him about his European holiday plans. "Oh, I canceled it." "Why?" "It's this business about driving on the right. I tried it from Durban to Johannesburg and MAN, ITS BLOODY DANGEROUS!"
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph enjoying the
wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This
is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear
view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem"
thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at
over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and
today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir." said the Trooper.
HALLOWEEN Costume PARTY-
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early enough, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here
and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much?"
"You know, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Browning and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."